Picard to the logbook
Star date 45666: Again, we are facing the Borg, not knowing what awaits us this time.

Picard
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen

Riker looks puzzled
What the hell is "Microsoft"?

Data turns to answer
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called "MS-Windows", through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data
Yes, Captain. But when "MS-Windows" detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard
Excellent work. This is even better than that "unsolvable geometric shape" idea.

15 Minutes later

Data
Captain, after a plenty of mysteriously failed attempts, we have successfully installed the "MS-Windows" in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.

Geordi
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.

Picard
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data
Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker
Captain, I see no other choice to survive; Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F...

Geordi excited
Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard
Data, what does your scanners show?

Data studying displays
Appearently the Borg have found an internal "MS-Windows" module named "Solitaire", and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard
Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their functionality.

Two hours pass

Riker
Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi
As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "MS-Windows" modules from something called the "Microsoft Fun-pack".

Picard
How much time will that buy us?

Data
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Worf
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard
Identify.

Worf
It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo...

Over the speakers
This is Admiral Bill Gates XIII of the Microsoft flagship "Monopoly". We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Worf
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoids.

Picard
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker
My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship -- with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data
I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying twentieth century like doeskin briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard together, horrified
Lawyers!!

Geordi
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the 'Great Awakening'.

Data
True, but appearently some must have survived.

Worf
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data
I believe that is known in ancient vocabulary as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal.

Riker
They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard
Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

Author: Jochen Wiedmann (1994-06-28)
E-Mail: wiedmann@mailserv.zdv.uni-tuebingen.de
Source: Internet (Usenet) "Newsgroup" (1994-07-17)
HTML-ed and slightly modified by Gerhard Kozuschek (1996-08-05) modifications are marked in the source of this document.